Funny quote I got from my father.

Thank You.

Thank You.

Today is a hard day. I have to face some stuff that I have been putting off for a long time. But enough is enough and I’m under pressure from family and close friends to talk to more people about my anxiety. Often it’s good to be anxious as it makes for a lot of energy and ideas. But when there’s too much it is dangerous and debilitating and the ideas turn to shit and don’t get realised anyway.

So here’s a joke to lighten my day. I used to say this kind of thing whenever anyone tried to give me advice that I didn’t like. I would blame people and places and circumstances for my mistakes. But the same kind of patterns have played themselves out on a few different continents  and with lots of different people. I’m the kind of person who tries to fix everything alone. I avoid doctors for all injuries like the plague as far as possible. But I’m at the point now when I’m realising my own limits and accepting that I often don’t know best.

Most of the time I am quite happy and contented. But for quite a few months of each year I feel like a complete fucking train wreck and can hardly sleep and forget to eat.

I’m sick of it now and I need a rest before I carry on. Without such nice family and friends I wonder where I would be now. More and more I realise how important it is to keep close to them. Together we’re much stronger. Alone we’re crazy fools.

Thank You.

For me there’s a calm place somewhere out there. It could really be anywhere. But it’s just a random place I go when I’m really tired, had some disappointment or seriously screwed something up.

It’s like one of those scenes in Monty Python’s meaning of life when this character takes the camera full of enthusiasm to his secret special space, whereupon he realises how deeply personal it is and just how ridiculous it looks to an outsider. So he becomes increasingly rapidly insecure - going fast and furious from well I know it’s not much but to me etc… to actually fuck off he almost screams at the end. I guess this is what home is all about.

I had quite a lot of new experiences in the past couple of weeks. Some really exciting and inspiring stuff happened to me and I’ve been feeling good about the present and the future. When this happens and I overdo it sometimes I start to get really paranoid and panic about things that are really quite fine. I’ve been trying to grow out of this for most of my life but still not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be totally over it but I’m slowly getting better about talking about it and asking for help when I need it and trying to listen to advice when it’s offered.

So my last experience a couple of days ago was that I ended up quite lonely over a very scary stormy dark couple of days. I don’t really know if it was really even scary or if that was just the way I was looking at it. A few friends had invited me to go to other places and do some fun things but I just felt like some time alone and didn’t feel like compromising.

Had I been feeling reasonably strong or OK I would have just gone for a little run or swim or flown a little kite in the rain. But I had gone and drank and smoked too much, got into a random argument and then fallen asleep, got really tired and bored and decided to just drive somewhere where there were more people and some waves. Really I should have slept. I was so tired that I didn’t care enough to concentrate on the road consistently enough. While trying to light a cigarette (or perhaps I tried to light it after) I slipped off in the rain and ended up in a ditch. I could feel myself slipping off so I just tried to relax.

I’ve learnt from surfing and kitesurfing that there is a time to relax and a time to fight. This decision has to be well timed. It does not have to be perfectly precise but if you get the timing just wrong you are bound for injury or even death. From flying kites and being hit by waves over sharp rocks and having a few injuries over the years I have realised that fear keeps you alive but panic kills. A few years ago I think I would panic in a lot more situations than I do now. This feels good. But as I grow older my mistakes just seem to be getting ever more dramatic and stupid.

Talking to the police and breakdown services they reckon a lot of people roll their cars along this stretch of road. I feel good that I walked away from a car with four flats in a wet ditch in the rain 6 feet under without any injuries. I’m still in shock that I actually did this. I regret driving there in the first place but I try not to dwell on regret too much. In the past I think I’ve dwelled too much on past mistakes and spent too much time pondering future dreams. I love spontaneity but I want to be a bit more organised. I really hope that I can refrain from taking decisions when I’m in such tired paranoid states in future. I think it’s really just pathetic attention seeking and a waste of people’s time. The only thing I know and appreciate in such times is who I love. And they’re always there.

Thank You.

This is just fucked up. Anyone know of a charity that can help make a difference and bring a bit of peace?

Thank You.

It sounds bad. Read more about him here.

Personal Life
Nicknamed The Barrel,^[5] or The Bath Barrel,^[6] he admits to disliking training, and as a reason why he would never be credible as a coach/why he prefers writing. He prides himself on his devotion to Bacchus and Bob Dylan, and counts amongst his friends wine expert Keith Floyd. The beer ‘Barnstormer’ (4.5%) brewed by Bath Ales is named after him. He is an ardent Arsenal F.C. fan.

Read more about him here.